Keep It Off iMessage, Casanova


If you’re a woman who has ever casually dated there’s a good chance that someone has at least once sent you an unsolicited photo of their penis. It’s a tale as old as camera phones: you’re chatting with a guy and then, without warning (and probably while you’re at work) he decides to be the ultimate romantic and send you a blurry photo of his erection.

I’ve discussed this several friends; men, women, straight and gay, and it all boils down to the same fucked up conclusion: a lot of men are visual and stupid creatures with no common sense therefore they assume that since they want a photo of your private bits you would logically want a photo of theirs.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some prude that can’t look at an r-rated picture - in fact I actually feel very empowered by taking and sending racy photos.  Instead I am talking about a very specific issue which the online equivalent of flashing someone on the street. It is sexual harassment to show someone your business without receiving any indication that your photo would be welcomed. 

I assume that men do this as a way of trying to garner a reaction from women because trying to make woman wince at the sight of the “manhood” is the epitome of their masculinity. It can also be extremely disappointing - and no, not because of what the photo depicts but rather what it represents. It’s a crude, exhibitionist attempt to woo women - a strange sense of sexual entitlement and a good indicator that if someone sends one without permission that they’re not so great with boundaries.

Plus, it can be a real bummer. For example, sometimes you meet a cool guy. He seems like he has a good sense of humour, he’s cute, he seems smarter than the average guy and then he decides to prove you wrong by texting you a photo of him from the waist down from some weird angle with nothing but his socks on. (Yes, I’m talking about you, Jason. Ugh, disgusting.)

A lot of the straight men I discussed the topic with claimed they would appreciate an unexpected photo of a naked woman and some expressed confusion as to why women wouldn’t want the same. This is a weird equivalent to the messed up belief that if you buy me a drink at the bar I “owe” you something sexual in return - fuck off, we are not trading dirty pictures like baseball cards. (Plus with baseball cards you can't throw one in someone's face and then act like an entitled prick when they tell you to go fist yourself instead of throwing a card back into your face.)

My response? A) I’ll block you immediately, B) I’ll use apps like Afterlight and Over to edit your weird angle dick pic with some hipster filter and use some Instagram-worthy font to add Taylor Swift lyrics over your photo and send it back to you, or C) I’ll respond with “sorry, this ride requires a full ticket and not a stub.”

Sure fire way to make sure someone will never see your bratwurst in person is to send them a picture of it without warning. Keep the ferret in the cage, because no one wants to see your piece molest their phone.